[Buug959]

A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn.

He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

The animal control employee tells the man,

“I’m here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I’m going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck.”

The man says “Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?”

The animal control employee says,

“Oh, that’s for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog.”

[Esteban]

What's the difference between a dirty transit hub and a lobster who's had plastic surgery?

One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean

[wizardofOz]

Why did the woman driver bring a map on her road trip?



To give the GPS a break!

[Buug959]

Little Johnny was late for school.

The teacher asked him why, and Little Johnny explained it was because he met a man who had lost his wallet on the street.

“Ah,” nodded the teacher,

“you were helping him find it!”

“Um, not really,” said Johnny,

“but I had to keep standing on it until he would give up and go away.”

[wizardofOz]

At a Christmas party, a woman told off her husband saying, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

Her husband shrugged and answered “Why should it? I keep telling them it’s for you.”

[Buug959]

What's the difference between your job and your wife?




Your job will still suck after five years.

[Buug959]

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!”

The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story. “Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone. “Yes it is,” bartender answers. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do.” “What about golden urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”

[Buug959]

SD

[3.0L]

So l was at Walmart earlier A lady was looking at frozen turkeys, but
she couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy, "do these
turkeys get any bigger?" He replied with a straight face, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

[Esteban]

While digging in the garden, I found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

[Llarry]

For those men of a certain age who are getting pressure from their parents to "settle down", there's this:

[Esteban]

A man went to see his doctor, and the doctor said, “I have some bad news and some worse news.” The man asked for the bad news first, and the doctor replied, “You have only 24 hours to live.” Gutted, the man said, “That’s terrible! Wait a minute—what’s the worse news?” The doctor responded, “I should have told you yesterday.”