[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by KingOfJericho

Great thread topic, by the way. I've been needing a place to vent this shit for a while haha.

Dude, you have no idea how good my life was until this jerk threatened me for not including him as one of my groomsmen! Who does that?!

But thanks, let it out too man!

[2011CrazE89]

Out of curiosity how does your fiance feel about "Fred"

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by Litos

just kick his fucking ass...

that problem will disappear A HELLUVA LOT FASTER than if you keep letting him dictate how you live....

How?

I kick his ass, he makes Katie hate my fiance, won't allow my fiance to see her niece. My fiance is sad and not the same because she loses her sister and niece. She's mad at me cuz I kicked his ass and made her lose her sister and niece.

He's not dictating my life by any means, but when it comes to family events shyt will be interesting to say the least.

[KingOfJericho]

Yeah fighting solves nothing. The Irish side of my family has two sisters (two of my aunts) who got into a fight at a wedding about 25 years ago and they still don't talk (a thrown drink, not a fist fight). It solves nothing and only makes things awkward for the rest of the family as they now have to manage for your personal beefs.

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by 2011CrazE89

Out of curiosity how does your fiance feel about "Fred"

She feels exactly how I feel about him. It's been tough for her to watch her sister continue to be with this guy who is no good for her. However, her sister doesn't see it and just wants all of us to accept Fred.

The moment any of us try to have an intervention and tell her about Fred, she gets defensive and shuts down. It's a really tough situation that only 'Katie' can figure out herself.

My fiance cannot stand Fred, but out of love and respect for her sister, she continues to accept him to keep her sister happy.

[darkrabbit]

My wife's sister's best friend had a Fred. He'd come to events where we'd all get together. He didn't treat her well, he used to steal stuff from people's homes he visited, he was one of these rebels without a cause who liked to stir up shit for no reason, cause issues between people, make a huge deal out of little things. Just some examples. They (the Fred and wife) also refused to come to an event once because I didn't respond to one of their posts on Facebook. Drama llama. Because of what an ass this guy is, it caused periodic falling outs with my sister in law and her best friend. I say periodic because they'd go back and forth between hate and friendship for each other. See, the best friend was a sponge. She absorbs the habits of people she's surrounded by. So she absorbed his jackassness for a time.

A lot of people like him because he's fun to party with, and this is absolutely true, but he's not a good friend otherwise.

I stopped caring about drama and BS a long time ago, so if someone said 'Fred will be going' or 'Fred said this' or 'Fred isn't coming because he thinks you...' my answer was always the same: 'Ok'. I just didn't care. I have no time for people's BS in my life so anyone who tries to introduce drama gets immediately ejected from the circle. If you stop caring, you'll be surprised how quickly the neanderthals just fade into the background.

Anyway, the friend divorced him and now all is right with the world. She and I always got along, just when she had a 'fred moment' going she'd act weird. So there's some hope there for you there. Stop caring, and maybe she'll divorce him. At events, be sociable. You can make him look like more of an ass for your own amusement by being the bigger person. Few things in life are more entertaining than facilitating a situation which allows someone who's already an asshole to make himself look like even more of an asshole to friends and family.

[2011CrazE89]

Who knows, maybe "Fred" will actually make it in the music biz. Although it sounds like he's not driven enough to make it in anything.

[davis449]

I say man the fuck up to ALL THREE OF THEM. Man up to Fred, tell him he's a piece of shit. Man up to his fiancee (your soon-to-be-sister-in-law) and tell her Fred's a piece of shit and needs to fix his behavior or she AND him can GTFO. Man up to your fiancee. If you can't have a tough discussion with the woman you're going to marry, then you need to reconsider your relationship with her. I have been with my GF for three years, I don't tolerate any of the "Freds" (and there's a LOT of them) in her fucking family. I told her that from the get go and I stick to my guns. My life is happy and drama free. Then again, maybe I'm lucky in having a "take no shit" kinda girl that is agreeable to this. Do it or get walked all over for the rest of your marriage/life (whichever ends first).

That said, my father did this:

move out of state.

There's some shit he had to deal with as a result, but I'd say (being much older now, educated on the matters, and putting it all in perspective) we (my nuclear family) and my father were/are all better off.

[Myrder]

I say you buddy up to Fred and be obnoxious about it so he wants you to leave him alone and flip the roles.

[Litos]

Originally Posted by FwdFtl

How?

I kick his ass, he makes Katie hate my fiance, won't allow my fiance to see her niece.

that's what you THINK will happen....

but it won't...

and if your fiancé will let some cheese dick come in the way of you two, you may think twice about marrying into this family....

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by jaym3smg

Anyway, the friend divorced him and now all is right with the world.

Best case scenario

Originally Posted by davis449

I say man the fuck up to ALL THREE OF THEM. Man up to Fred, tell him he's a piece of shit. Man up to his fiancee (your soon-to-be-sister-in-law) and tell her Fred's a piece of shit and needs to fix his behavior or she AND him can GTFO. Man up to your fiancee. If you can't have a tough discussion with the woman you're going to marry, then you need to reconsider your relationship with her. I have been with my GF for three years, I don't tolerate any of the "Freds" (and there's a LOT of them) in her fucking family. I told her that from the get go and I stick to my guns. My life is happy and drama free. Then again, maybe I'm lucky in having a "take no shit" kinda girl that is agreeable to this. Do it or get walked all over for the rest of your marriage/life (whichever ends first).

That said, my father did this:


There's some shit he had to deal with as a result, but I'd say (being much older now, educated on the matters, and putting it all in perspective) we (my nuclear family) and my father were/are all better off.

I have had two man to man conversations with this guy. Same results both times. He is the type of guy that will play the victim in all case scenarios. I've even let him know what I will and will not tolerate to keep the peace but it's said on deaf ears. It may have to go the route of Fred, Katie and their daughter no longer being involved in our life. Just seems like such an extreme outcome from a stupid event.

Originally Posted by Litos

that's what you THINK will happen....

but it won't...

and if your fiancé will let some cheese dick come in the way of you two, you may think twice about marrying into this family....

Nah, my girl is my ride or die and if it needs be, she knows she riding with me forever. She's already said, if her sister decides to not be her maid of honor then so be it.

I just want to be in Bora Bora already.

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by 2011CrazE89

Who knows, maybe "Fred" will actually make it in the music biz. Although it sounds like he's not driven enough to make it in anything.

This is Fred. Trust me, he does not have the mental capacity to handle any type of business, let alone music business. He's all about livin that street life.

[schoy]

OP, you're looking at this all wrong. I'll say this as clearly as possible:

"FRED" IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO MANAGE. He is your fiancee's problem to manage because he is a problem caused by her side of the family.

When my wife's family becomes insufferable, she takes it upon herself to deal with it; that way I don't have to be put in the middle of a situation that involves her family. Likewise, if my wife has a problem with my family, I man up and deal with it so she doesn't become the "bad guy". One of the agreements you make when you get married is to deal with your own family so your spouse doesn't have to.

Consider this, and consider it carefully: If your fiancee is unwilling to deal with "Fred" and deal with her sister's feelings, do you really want to marry someone who would rather put the feelings of her sibling over the feelings of her husband? Unless you want to have in-law troubles for the rest of your life, this should be a no-brainer.

[MrPrena]

I would rather have FRED than "Bragging Brad" as an in-laws.

I got all kind. Over educated scholars who are tenured. High paying S&P500 upper management type. Physicians. Scientists. etc.

I literally at them.

Every over achieved people have their own weakness on their area of field.
Last meeting with Oncologist Bragging Brad was fun. He will not be bragging about him being a physician to me any longer.

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by schoy

OP, you're looking at this all wrong. I'll say this as clearly as possible:

"FRED" IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM TO MANAGE. He is your fiancee's problem to manage because he is a problem caused by her side of the family.

When my wife's family becomes insufferable, she takes it upon herself to deal with it; that way I don't have to be put in the middle of a situation that involves her family. Likewise, if my wife has a problem with my family, I man up and deal with it so she doesn't become the "bad guy". One of the agreements you make when you get married is to deal with your own family so your spouse doesn't have to.

Consider this, and consider it carefully: If your fiancee is unwilling to deal with "Fred" and deal with her sister's feelings, do you really want to marry someone who would rather put the feelings of her sibling over the feelings of her husband? Unless you want to have in-law troubles for the rest of your life, this should be a no-brainer.

In all fairness, My fiancee has attempted several times. I agree with you and your wife's methods of handling family conflicts, however were dealing with a guy that cannot, I repeat cannot hold a normal conversation.

My fiancee talking to Fred will get nowhere. He would just say "I don't have any problems with you, it's your man that doesn't want me in his wedding..." or something like that. It seems really simple to solve, but it has many layers.

Out of curiosity, how would you suggest my fiancee handle the situation? I bet she's already tried it

[MrPrena]

wow. Very similar to what i've imagined.

Originally Posted by FwdFtl

This is Fred. Trust me, he does not have the mental capacity to handle any type of business, let alone music business. He's all about livin that street life.

[schoy]

Originally Posted by FwdFtl

In all fairness, My fiancee has attempted several times. I agree with you and your wife's methods of handling family conflicts, however were dealing with a guy that cannot, I repeat cannot hold a normal conversation.

My fiancee talking to Fred will get nowhere. He would just say "I don't have any problems with you, it's your man that doesn't want me in his wedding..." or something like that. It seems really simple to solve, but it has many layers.

Out of curiosity, how would you suggest my fiancee handle the situation? I bet she's already tried it

I don't know how she should handle it because, as you noted, I don't understand the situation well enough. But, as your advocate in your corner, frankly, I think it's irrelevant, as long as the end result keeps the peace among you, your (soon-to-be) wife (congats, by the way), and her family. If a simple talking to works, then great (sounds like it hasn't worked, though). If it means significantly reducing contact with her sister (and hence "Fred"), then that's a sacrifice she'll have to weigh. But that is a decision that she'll have to make (with your consultation, of course. I'm assuming options like a Mafia-style hit is off the table).

[Uber V8]

Originally Posted by schoy

I don't know how she should handle it because, as you noted, I don't understand the situation well enough. But, as your advocate in your corner, frankly, I think it's irrelevant, as long as the end result keeps the peace among you, your (soon-to-be) wife (congats, by the way), and her family. If a simple talking to works, then great (sounds like it hasn't worked, though). If it means significantly reducing contact with her sister (and hence "Fred"), then that's a sacrifice she'll have to weigh. But that is a decision that she'll have to make (with your consultation, of course. I'm assuming options like a Mafia-style hit is off the table).

I rarely wish for Mafia style hits, but when I do....

Anyways, thanks for the warm wishes

[schoy]

Originally Posted by MrPrena

wow. Very similar to what i've imagined.

I was imagining Fredo from Godfather, so yeah, much different than what I was imagining.

[grimlock]

Part of the problem is that you're too nice of a guy.
My brother has this live-in maid that i absolutely cannot stand - she is rude, !#%#!%!# even a bad influence on the baby - basically the only redeeming quality I can think of is she is violent - she even 'accidently' hit by niece (1.5yrs old) in the eye because she can't control her temper when the baby is refusing food.
I was so pissed I wanted to throw her off the building not to mention physical violence against my niece - the only family member I really care about.
Seriously, it cannot be any worse..

But the problem is she has my brother by the balls - because he is anti-violence and is easily bullied (the opposite of me)
I told him my concerns once and he denied anything was wrong with her - I could tell it's his ego defences kicking in..
Anyways.. so I tried really hard to calm myself - maybe I was exagerrating how violent she was, how disrespectful she was .. my mom and dad didn't offer any opinion, and I cannot tell my sis in law because she is pregnant.
So between wanting to throw her off the building and denigrating the manhood of my brother who is the man of his house.. I had to resort to soul-searching and looking into psychological diagnosis to try to understand this satan of a woman better.
I came to the conclusion she probably has some degree of autism and so is socially handicapped, and things like a crying baby would piss her off and she cannot see that hitting her is wrong..
See i cant hit her to show her who is the boss, because basically my brother is scared of her, and she would probably just hit baby more.. stuck between a rock and a hard place just like you man.
So I concluded I was not going to make it MY isssue - even if it still exists in reality, there is NOTHING i can - only my brother can fire her..
The REASON i hurt so much is because i (incorrectly) care too much about things that are out of my control and NOT MY BUSINESS, as harsh as it sounds she is my only niece .. but that is noting compared to her father and mother.. there is an order in things.
Note: you bleeding heart, tree-hugging, animal saving types..
So as soon as I cut my own arm so to speak, the next time a saw them it was much easier .. she was stil the same but this time I was different because i didn't care about it anymore.. it was not my problem.
AS SOON as i did this, my brother and mother, who were previously against me, started questioning whether devil maid was doing bad things to baby ... ah-ha! bingo .. I did not expect this. So is human nature.

So man.
Fred is not YOUR fiance. He is two connections removed from you, even if you have to see him all the time.
What you are doing wrong is making it YOUR problem. Tear your f***ing bleeding heart out right now and step on it. (Ok, this may be a big step and fundamentall change your personality.)
As soon as you do this, Fred becomes a much bigger problem to your fiance's sis, and then to you fiance. The closer you are, that's who's problem it is.
True, you can't remove him. But I don't think you want to find another fiance so just live with the 10% ruining of your life Fred can do at his worst... and hope in time your fiance's sis will sort it out.
But you can do NOTHING. All you can and all you should do is live with the minor inconvenience and sucking-up he will bring. But remind yourself how good your fiance is and so it is worth it. BUT IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM, AND YOU CAN'T FIX IT.

[Uber V8]

@grimlock that is some amazing introspective advice. I like how you put the "10%" of ruining my life! That's pretty close to how I see it, 1% a month haha.

I figured I will encounter him around 10-12 times a year and Lord knows those 10-12 times will be a royal pain in the ass, but I'll have to deal with it.

I may seem like a nice guy through this forum and for the most part I am, but remember I gave you guys the TL;DR version. I can and will hold my own if the situation arises. For example, this guy (Fred) had the audacity to yell and talk down to my (and possibly his) future mother-in-law when we had a family intervention meeting.

I turned two shades from hulk green and damn near flipped the 10 seat table to remind him he will not speak to her in that manner and will respect their household. He's VERY lucky that my future father-in-law was sleep at the time or he may have been shot. If he spoke to my mother that way, it would have ended with someone or both of us going to jail. I don't take shyt from no one when it comes to my family.

[Litos]

Originally Posted by FwdFtl

I turned two shades from hulk green and damn near flipped the 10 seat table to remind him he will not speak to her in that manner and will respect their household. He's VERY lucky that my future father-in-law was sleep at the time or he may have been shot. If he spoke to my mother that way, it would have ended with someone or both of us going to jail. I don't take shyt from no one when it comes to my family.

ok, so from the sound of it, the ENTIRE FAMILY is giving you authorization to beat the shit out of him..

if you don't see the writing on the wall, then you're probably just scared...