[T-MC-G]

I have always been the first person to make fun of a stripper. Seriously. I know exactly what they work for…your hard earned money. I used to always laugh at the dopes that got suckered into spending hundreds of dollars on these girls at the strip club for 15 minutes of undivided attention. Strippers are jaded and abused coke heads who generally hate men and have some sort of complex that makes them all confident in thinking that they can just sit on your lap and get you to fork over $60 for them to shake their ass in your face for a song or two. Don’t get me wrong, I love staring at naked girls dancing but you can’t let them get the upper hand. Also, as all of you very well know by now I can party with the best of them. Straight up balls to the walls throw down and have a night on the town where you wake up on the floor inside of a back room down random hallways 5 stories underground a Marriot hotel and have to walk out of their parking garage, break the window of the locked little attendant booth to get to the buttons that operate the garage door to the street that was closed for business back 3 hours ago when it was 2am in order to get out. Yeah, those kinds of nights. So anyways needless to say I have been in my fair share of strip clubs and have always been wise enough (and sober enough) not to fall for any skank ass stripper antics that force me to spend copious amounts of money on dumb bumbling idiot strippers. Well, this is the story of how I dropped my guard one night at a bar in Boston and got hosed with the 3rd largest bar tab of my life…

It was back during the summer before my senior year of college at the University of New Hampshire. I was in the business school there and was living in an apartment on campus during the summer with one of my best friends. The campus was pretty much a ghost town during the summer months so we would often venture out of town to surrounding big cities for a good time during the weekends. So one Friday afternoon I was on my lunch break at work when my cell phone rang, it was my roommate James…

James: “Yo Tom what up?”
Me: “Hey Bro, where the hell were you last night, you weren’t even home when I left for work this morning…”
James: “Yeah I know, get this shit…”

James proceeds to tell me of his crazy night last night for his frat brother’s birthday party. At some point during the night they all ventured into a strip club in Bedford, NH which was about 40 minutes away from UNH but close to the bars that they all went to back at this frat kids parent’s house. He finished by telling me that he hit it off with one of the strippers and that she wanted to hang out with him tonight. So right before he called me he had been talking with her on the phone and they planned on meeting up at her place (where she was going to have one of her friends that was a stripper at the club also) and then go out to Boston for the night. They told him that he should bring one of his friends also (geez thanks for the invite James) so he calls me up. My first reaction was one of calling bull shit on his dumb story but somehow he convinced me that it was for real and got me to talk my boss into letting me leave early for the day in order to come back to the apartment and get ready to go out.

So I get back home and James is all giddy and happy running around the place like Christmas morning because we were going to go out in Boston with two hot strippers tonight. I sat him down and sternly instructed him that strippers are not to be trusted especially when going out in pairs. He was all, “yeah, yeah I know” and in a couple hours we were off on the highway driving to Nashua, NH which was where this stripper’s place was at.

He calls her as we pull into her apartment’s parking lot to come outside and let us in. As I’m walking up to the building I see her come out of the side door of the building to meet us. I almost lost it at the hilarity of the sight in front of me… Here was a fake blond skank looking stripper walking out of her apartment building wearing like 4 inch heels with a towel wrapped around herself, wet hair and sucking on what appeared to be a Red Bull vodka in her hand with a full face of thick make-up. James went running up to her and as almost in a “bringing her home to Mom and Dad fashion” turns to me and introduces us. I shake her hand and sorta give her a little bit of a hug fearful of getting wet from the towel (or contracting something else) and while I’m doing so look quickly to check the bottom of her nose for any sort of white powdery residue… hmmm clean so far… that’s a surprise. So she leads us inside explaining that her friend from the club was already over and drinking in her living room and that we could join her while she finished getting ready. As we walk into her apartment I was floored by what I saw sitting on her couch.

Me: “Lauren, HOLY SHIT is that you?!?!”
Lauren: -in utter shock- “Oh my gosh, umm, hi Tom.”

Lauren went to UNH also and was in one of my classes a couple years ago. I mostly knew her from the bar scene at school, friend of a friend kind of a thing, but she was gorgeous! Complete innocent girl next door kind of hot. Basically the last person on earth I ever thought to be sitting in the blond stripper’s living room. She was wearing a green “going out” skimpy top with a thick black belt around her waist. If that belt wasn’t there I’m sure a strong gust of wind would have torn her top right off and carried it away.

Me: “Sweet Jesus Fuck Balls, you’re a stripper? HAHA fucking priceless!!!!”
Lauren: “Ummm, well yeah I just start doing it this summer for extra cash and I’m pretty good at it I guess, plus it’s a lot of fun.”

I get over my complete shock and go to the kitchen to do what I do best, drink. As I’m in there mixing a strong vodka OJ not only do I get VERY excited for the crazy night that is ahead of me but I start to question all of my prior thoughts of strippers. Lauren was nothing like any of the other strippers I had ever met before. Certainly she was the exact opposite of that skank ass blond that greeted us at the door. Whatever, I was looking to have some fun tonight, so fuck it I though, let’s do this.

After about an hour of pre-gaming at their place we all head outside and pile into the blond stripper’s car and start the drive into Boston. It was about another 30 minutes south of the 40 minutes that we already driven. This car ride would turn out to be one of the funniest car rides of my life for reasons that only some of my closest friends will know and I will not talk about here. If you know me just ask about it next time you see me… The was abruptly cancelled out by the scariest car ride of my life on the way home that night, but I’ll get into that later. Anyways, we end up going to this place called The Underbar. It was a very nice dance club under a 5 star hotel, hence the name. When we got there the four of us walked right up to the bar and ordered 4 Red Bull vodkas. The bar tender rang them up at $17 each, “WHAT the FUCK?” I exclaimed. Dropping $68 plus tip for 4 drinks at a bar that wasn’t on South Beach (only other time I was shocked at drink prices…different story) was not something I wanted to do all night. All four of us collectively decide that we should all go in on a VIP table and just get bottle service because for how much we were planning on drinking it would be a better deal. We get a table with a 2 bottle minimum and have at it.

The entire night was filled with crazy stripper antics with Lauren eventually falling right into her new stripper role and acting more and more like her skank blond friend. At one point they were even making out for like 5 minutes straight, so I had our waitress snap a picture of all of us at the table (see attached). Needless to say within an hour we were all hammered. James was all over the blond and kept talking to me about how he wanted to hook up with her tonight. I laughed in amusement and focused my attention on trying to figure out what wrong happened in Lauren’s life where she started to have to strip to get money.

At around 1 AM the club was in full swing but the girls were ready to leave, James and the blond were practically doing it right there at the table and I was down for whatever so agreed. Then it came to down to figuring out how to split our $500 bill that the waitress slapped us with. To my surprise the blond offered up her credit card and told us that we could just pay her back tomorrow morning some time. I was floored! WHAT??? Had I been wrong out strippers all this time??? What was going on, she offered to pay for something? So in all of my amazement she hands me her credit card and tells me to close the tab and her, Lauren and James were going to go get the car and pull it out front. I take the card and completely get blindsided by what happens next.

The three of them take off and I hand the card to our waitress to close the tab. After about 10 minutes she comes back with the card and tells me there is some sort of error coming up on the machine and it wasn’t working. I’m like WTF and pull out my cell to call James and tell him to get that blond stripper back down here. I tell the waitress that I was trying to get in contact with the girl who owned the card and get her back here to deal with it. I called James but it was impossible to hear him or anything over the loud pounding speakers in the club. The waitress comes back again like 5 minutes later and tells me that she can take me out back where it is quite so I can call her up and get her back in here. I take her up on the offer and follow her out of the VIP area and threw a door behind a bar on the main floor. We go throw a small kitchen area and threw another door that brings us to a white hallway with bright white florescent lights everywhere. Standing there waiting for me is this guy, who I assumed was the owner/manager of the place and two of the biggest bouncers I had ever seen. The waitress stands off the side while the three guys close in.

Owner/Manager: ”Are you the mother fucker trying to use a bogus credit card in my club! This shit expired 2 years ago and I’m positive that this isn’t your name here written on it!”

I couldn’t believe what I just heard, I was going to murder this stripper. Seriously, strangle her and dump the body somewhere.

Me: “I’m sorry, what are you talking about?”
Owner/Manager: “You heard me!” He grabs the credit card out of the waitress’ hand and waves it in front of my face. I shot the waitress the biggest “fuck you” eyes in the world for tricking me into coming back here with her.
Me: “Well the card belongs to one of the girls that is part of our group tonight.”

Now let me explain, I was really hammered at this point in the night and what I said probably didn’t come out quite like that but it was the general idea behind the point I was trying to get across. Suddenly the guy gets in my face with the two bouncers behind him and proceeds to tell me that I can either pull out my ID and another credit card that does work and actually belongs to me to pay the bill with… or he can go right out the door at the end of the hall where a cop who they pay to monitor the front entrance to the place can get involved and I can tell my story to him. I look around and weigh my options. After about 10 furious seconds I pull out my wallet and the American Express card comes out and I hand it over. About five awkward minutes later, alone with the two bouncers in the hallway, the guy comes back with the bill. It read $600 dollars at this point! He gave the waitress a $100 tip because he pretty much had me by the balls on this one. Furious I sign it and storm out of the place and out to the street to find James and the two skank ass piece of shit strippers that had screwed me downstairs with the bill.

The car pulls up with the blond driving and Lauren in the front passenger seat. I get in the back where James was already seated. I proceed to tell everyone what happened.

Me to the Blond: “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT YOU SKANK ASS BITCH! YOU GAVE ME SOME OLD ASS CARD THAT DIDN’T WORK!!!”
Blond: “Huh? What are you talking about?” Obviously playing dumb.

Then James steps in and grabs my arm and whispers in my ear,

James: “Dude, chillout, don’t piss her off. I’m trying to hook up with her man, chill.”
Me: “Fuck that dude, this girl is just a stripper, forget that, she freaking skipped out on the bill.”

James assured me that he would cover her portion of the bill if she didn’t pay if I would just drop it. I argued a little bit more, since I knew he was broke, but arguing with one drunk male and two dumb ass drunk strippers was going nowhere so I dropped it and passed out in my seat. About an hour later I was woken up by the violent smacking of the side of my head against my window. This was the start of the scariest car ride of my life… Let’s just say the night was filled with idiot strippers trying to drive hammered that had no clue where they were going and had decided to stop for pizza that was now all over the inside of the car from the not so pleasant ride.

James told the stripper to drive all the way back up to UNH because I guess in his retarded mind it would have been more of a sure thing if she stayed over in his bed instead of him trying to get in hers. Anyway her dumb drunk ass agreed and here we were hours later pulling into the parking lot of OUR apartment at UNH. I was so pissed that I stormed into my room and passed out in bed. Lauren slept on the couch and James ended up going to bed with that skank stripper. I woke up at like 10am the next day with a pounding headache. I crawled out of bed and went into the living room. Lauren was gone and all of her stuff was missing. “OH SHIT” I thought, “they ditched us early this morning” I stormed into James’ room to find him alone still passed out in bed.

Me: “Where are the god damned strippers?!?!?” I blurted out.
James: “Dude, what are you talking about? That girl was a cock tease nothing happened…”

I ran outside to find their car gone! WTF, I wanted to kill someone. Not only had they ran out on us without paying for a cent of the previous night but they snuck out without a word and left us to drive all the way back to Nashua to pick up James’ car the we had driven down there the prior day. When James and I made it back down to Nashua we didn’t see her car anywhere in the parking lot and no one answered her door.

Well. Lesson learned, even outside of work strippers are money grubbing skank ass bitches that can’t be trusted. They all have something wrong in their heads, probably never hugged enough as kids or something. But there is somewhat of a good ending to this story.

After the summer was over and school was back in session it was a couple weeks into the year when I was out at the bars with James and some of the guys. I walked into this place called Scorp’s Bar and Grill when I saw Lauren standing by the bar with a group of her girl friends all playing her innocent “college girl” personality now that she was back at school and didn’t need to be making money grinding her bare ass on some 50 year olds dirty crotch for sweat stained one dollar bills. As I walked straight up to where she was standing her eyes met mine and a look of horror and fear came over her face. She left the girls and came up to me before I even got there. I opened my mouth and don’t even remember the string of cuss words and insults that poured out. It ended with me threatening to jump up on a table and announce to the whole world that she was a skank ass stripper. She begged me not to and reached into her purse and grabbed a huge roll of cash she probably earned the last weekend she was working at the club since they were mostly ones and fives. It was roughly $160 and she handed it right over to me apologizing for that night out and explaining that “she never does that sort of thing” and blah blah blah. I cut her off and went back to my friends who were all still in shock over the scene that I had just made. James and I proceeded to tell them all the story over a couple of drinks and we all laughed about it calling Lauren names every time she walked past our table.

So that was the night that I realized, you can take the girl out of the strip club, but you can’t take the stripper out of the girl…

[Comet]

where are the pictures?

[c0nstant]

tl;dr

[Comet]

tl;dr is basically as follows:

he hates strippers
his friend he thought was innocent turned out to be a stripper
they went out, took pictures and the night cost them 600$ at a club
he didn't post pictures

tl;dr of tl;dr
where are the pictures of the strippers who scammed you?

@OP
post pictures

and how much did you expect your bill to come out to if the drinks alone were so expensive?
and how did they sneak out of your place, I usually lock my door.
and how did your friend not bang them if they were sleeping at your place?

[darkcloud]

Originally Posted by Comet

@OP
post pictures

and how much did you expect your bill to come out to if the drinks alone were so expensive?
and how did they sneak out of your place, I usually lock my door.
and how did your friend not bang them if they were sleeping at your place?

- stupid to do bottle service. at least you could have traded off on rounds and maybe had a $200 tab. I was just in South Beach and traded off tabs between me and 3 others and my tab at bars/clubs never exceeded $80 for drinks not beer and that was usually 3-4 rounds per person.

- Not like they can't unlock the door from the inside. What do you have some creepy prison set up that you need a key to lock the door on both sides so that your unsuspecting lady prey will never escape

- dude was wasted and she wasn't having it. Her plan was already in place to bounce as soon as he passed out. Stipper whores plan would not have worked if douche friend didn't bring them back to the OP's apartment.

[Comet]

Originally Posted by darkcloud

- Not like they can't unlock the door from the inside. What do you have some creepy prison set up that you need a key to lock the door on both sides so that your unsuspecting lady prey will never escape

it's not a creepy prison set up...
I just have a keyhole from both ends instead of the lock thing.. :P

[Hawkeye]

Yeah, I don't see any pictures. I am always amused at people who post stuff like this. One type of person is never going to believe it could ever happen than think you are full of shit, and the other type of person has most likely been through the same. Kind of pointless IMO.

[Comet]

oh I believe him...
It happens...
nothing unbelievable about it...

I just want the damn pictures

[montreal_bimmer]

dude, you cant make me read all that and not post pics

[Kensta335]

*comes stumbling in*

*crashes into wall of text*

[xsb00st]

Originally Posted by T-MC-G

so I had our waitress snap a picture of all of us at the table (see attached).

[T-MC-G]

it's a true story, I typed it up yesterday actually because I was bored as hell here in Iraq and sent it out in an e-mail to some other lieutenant friends of mine back in DC. we were all joking around about college and then I decided to write a long one, then I shared it with you guys.

here is the pic I got from the night...

[Seminole]

So are you the one throwing up the "peace" sign like its the 70's or the guy who looks like he just had surprise butt sex?

[darkphantom]

OP - tsk tsk for letting your guard down. A profession is a profession, and the people that choose to do what they do, reflect their own personal traits in what they do, as well as the stereotypes of the profession they have chosen.

[MCMLXXXIX]

crazy story OP. random, but crazy LOL

[tlav17]

thanks for sharing dude. that was a good one! ...lesson learned

[montreal_bimmer]

Originally Posted by Seminole

So are you the one throwing up the "peace" sign like its the 70's or the guy who looks like he just had surprise but sex?

ahahahahahahhahaha

[brokemywallet]

i found the story entertaining at work!

[Blake]

Originally Posted by brokemywallet

i found the story entertaining at work!

i bet your boss doesn't

[Comet]

I'd like the location of said strip club so I can hit it up and chloroform them

[Year's_End]

aha nice nice

[choicez]

nice story! i remember dropping over $600 at a stripclub in vegas. was filthy drunk from the club beforehand (bottle service too) and other things in my system too. got stuck in the VIP room for a couple of hours until my buddy rescued me from the stripper. luckily, most of the cash was from winnings. stupid me and that's why i avoid strip clubs now. lesson learned...