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A Response to a Request by Texas for Succession

Dear Texas,

After reviewing your formal request for succession from the Union, we, the United States of America, hereby approve your request, under certain circumstances. If you do not agree or wish to amend these special circumstances, your request will be nullified.

1. Texans would not be allowed into the United States without special work permits or passport. Now we understand that it may take some time for you to setup a central government capable of printing, distributing, and tracking of passports, but we, the United States of America, are willing to wait until you are. Please, take your time. Any attempt to cross the border without legal documentation will be seen as a pre-emptive attack, and it will be deemed necessary to use excessive force.

2. A wall or fence would be constructed to keep illegal Texans out of the United States of America. For this to be accomplished, the United States of America's IRS will charge 3 years of income tax for all Texas citizens. At first, we thought that 1 year was enough, but one of our constituents, Oklahoma, informed us that the residents of Texas carry guns and like to fire said guns. Therefore, we have decided to bullet proof the wall/fence. Please do not shoot or try to scare the workers who are building this structure, they are honest, hard working Americans who are trying to feed their family.

3. Since Texas would no longer have statehood in the United States of America, its electoral votes will be stripped. Therefore, in our history books, Al Gore did in fact win the 2000 presidential election, and John Kerry did in fact win the 2004 presidential election. Thus, wiping our history and conscious clean of George W. Bush.

4a. All senators and representatives from Texas will have to give up their seat in Congress. Since you want no place in our Union, you have no place in lawmaking. Seems fair to us.

4b. If Texas does want to engage in international politics, then Texas must apply to the United Nations and get approval from the other nations. The United States of America will not commit to its decision of whether to approve or deny access to the United Nations at this point in time.

5a. All companies that have their headquarters in the United States of America would be subject to international tariffs, and would be taxed accordingly, if they wish to maintain businesses in Texas. We have already talked to many automobile manufacturers, and they have agreed to pay these taxes due to the abundant pick up truck sales. You are welcome.

5b. All companies that have their headquarters in Texas would be asked to vacate their stores that reside on American soil. We do not want, nor do we need you.

5c. Texas would be excluded from NAFTA. Sorry, we made some attempt to fit you in, but we were just too tired, and felt like going home.

5d. If Texas wishes to engage in commerce with the United States... on second thought, just don't try to do so.

6a. Texas must create its own form of currency. You would no longer have permission to use the United States of America's currency. You can use bullet casings, jugs of moonshine, or coon skin hats, as currency. Just not the USD.

6b. Texas must forefit all US legal tender. Those strips of paper are not toilet paper, and those shiny metal things are not ornaments that sit at the bottom of park fountains. Please relinquish said legal tender immediately.

7a. Citizens who were born in Texas, and moved out of Texas, would maintain their United States citizenship.

7b. Citizens who were not born in Texas, and move to Texas, would be stripped of their United States citizenship. Tough shit.

8. All branches of the United States of America's military would pull out of Texas. We have determined that since the citizens of Texas carry guns, that they are more than capable of creating some semblance of a military.

9. If a foreign nation were to attack Texas, the United States of America would not get involved unless nuclear fallout reaches beyond Oklahoma, Arkansas, or New Mexico. Those states are fully aware of this decision, and the United States of America commends them on their patriotism.

10. Rush Limbaugh would become a citizen of Texas. Neither the right, nor the left, want him anymore. He has become more of an annoyance. But we figured that you would not mind one more overweight, loud guy.

11. In Texas history books, you would not refer to any point in time when Texas was part of the United States of America. We want to forget this ever happened. It was a mistake, we are sorry.

12. Anything that says Texas on it would be shipped to Texas, whether it was made in Texas or not. Again, we want no reminders of history.

13. All cowboy hats and boots would be sent back to Texas. The United States of America thought that only people in movies wore them, but we were proved wrong once we were forced by a layover at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. The hats are stupid, and the boots are uncomfortable, but you seem to enjoy them. Think of this as a parting gift. Please do not feel as though you must reciprocate a gift. We most likely would not open it.

We apologize for getting back to you, Texas, so late. Since your request was made in the late 1800s, we have gone through an Industrial Revolution, two World Wars, two Presidential assassinations, a Cold War, three stock market crashes, and a few other things. So we've been busy.

If you, Texas, do not like these terms, then we, the United States of America, request that you shut the fuck up about how great you think Texas is, and how you want to be succeed. You need us more than we need you.

Thank you,
-The United States of America.

P.S. Do not try to respond to this letter. We most likely do not care what you think.
P.P.S. We had Mexico proofread this, and they told us to tell you to go fuck yourself. We have no idea what you did to piss them off, but we can probably guess.

[Blake]

LOL the USA would crumble without texas. we get away from all your flatlined debtor states and join OPEC then you're absolutely fucked. we got the oil, we got the refineries, and we can just about sustain ourselves on what we've got. enjoy your $200 barrels of oil while we ride around the prairies in our lambos bitches. not to mention the massive corporate migration currently going on to reap our lovely state tax benefits. i didn't hear anything about texas in the news today, did you?

[shahsk30]

Originally Posted by Blake

LOL the USA would crumble without texas. we get away from all your flatlined debtor states and join OPEC then you're absolutely fucked. we got the oil, we got the refineries, and we can just about sustain ourselves on what we've got. enjoy your $200 barrels of oil while we ride around the prairies in our lambos bitches. not to mention the massive corporate migration currently going on to reap our lovely state tax benefits. i didn't hear anything about texas in the news today, did you?

DON"T MESS WITH TEXAS!!!

[quagmire]

Originally Posted by Blake

LOL the USA would crumble without texas. we get away from all your flatlined debtor states and join OPEC then you're absolutely fucked. we got the oil, we got the refineries, and we can just about sustain ourselves on what we've got. enjoy your $200 barrels of oil while we ride around the prairies in our lambos bitches. not to mention the massive corporate migration currently going on to reap our lovely state tax benefits. i didn't hear anything about texas in the news today, did you?

Just have to add a few more lines to that email....

14a. Any oil that is in Texas will be the property of the United States of America because at the time, it was discovered by Americans. We will go all out on you if you try to resist taking our oil. Just look at Iraq....

14b. You may not join OPEC because the oil is well um... ours bitches.

[nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn]

Originally Posted by quagmire

Just have to add a few more lines to that email....

14a. Any oil that is in Texas will be the property of the United States of America because at the time, it was discovered by Americans. We will go all out on you if you try to resist taking our oil. Just look at Iraq....

14b. You may not join OPEC because the oil is well um... ours bitches.

hahahahaha

15. Because it seems as though the residents of Texas have some sort of vendetta against Iraq (re. 2 Bush wars), the current war in Iraq is your problem. Soldiers from the United States of America will be withdrawn immediately, leaving Texans behind.

[Ryan@Motorwerks]

Originally Posted by quagmire

Just have to add a few more lines to that email....

14a. Any oil that is in Texas will be the property of the United States of America because at the time, it was discovered by Americans. We will go all out on you if you try to resist taking our oil. Just look at Iraq....

14b. You may not join OPEC because the oil is well um... ours bitches.

So if I found oil in your backyard, it would be mine right?

[Blake]

Originally Posted by ferrari355fi

hahahahaha

15. Because it seems as though the residents of Texas have some sort of vendetta against Iraq (re. 2 Bush wars), the current war in Iraq is your problem. Soldiers from the United States of America will be withdrawn immediately, leaving Texans behind.

you, sir, are an idiot

[quagmire]

Originally Posted by Ryan@Motorwerks

So if I found oil in your backyard, it would be mine right?

That will require my permission to drill in my backyard and anything you find will be yours. Which you will not. I should have added in there that any already known oil discovery would be the US's. You may go and try to find more oil since it would be your land. But, you still can not join OPEC.

[AlbinoSnail]

so we could fly the confederate flag again???

[shahsk30]

Originally Posted by AlbinoSnail

so we could fly the confederate flag again???

no we make our own new flag

[Blake]

Originally Posted by shahsk30

no we make our own new flag

nah, the current one can stay.

[shahsk30]

Originally Posted by Blake

nah, the current one can stay.

true.. LONE STAR STATE bitch.

[DevJ]

Originally Posted by Blake

you, sir, are an idiot

+1

[taliesen]

Yup, everything's bigger in Texas . . . even the assholes.

Can I request a transfer prior to the succession? I only moved here for the job

[shahsk30]

Originally Posted by taliesen

Yup, everything's bigger in Texas . . . even the assholes.

Can I request a transfer prior to the succession? I only moved here for the job

sellout

[Comet]

as a Canadian, I have no idea why all this hate for texans... yah I've been there.. people seemed friendly

[dgliango]

Originally Posted by Comet

as a Canadian, I have no idea why all this hate for texans... yah I've been there.. people seemed friendly

1. They teach creationism in public schools

2. They have Represenatives like this...

AUSTIN — A North Texas legislator during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are “easier for Americans to deal with.”

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6365320.html

[Comet]

Originally Posted by dgliango

1. They teach creationism in public schools

2. They have Represenatives like this...

AUSTIN — A North Texas legislator during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are “easier for Americans to deal with.”

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6365320.html

LMAO
that's pretty funny...

[shahsk30]

Originally Posted by dgliango

1. They teach creationism in public schools

2. They have Represenatives like this...

AUSTIN — A North Texas legislator during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are “easier for Americans to deal with.”

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/6365320.html

dude, you're a dumbass. so what we have stupid legislators and so does every other state
They don't teach creationism here.

[bolinp78]

Originally Posted by Comet

as a Canadian, I have no idea why all this hate for texans... yah I've been there.. people seemed friendly

Forget any other answers in this thread besides this one:


Many people have developed a vendetta (or technically, a representative bias) against us because they believe that we are somehow directly connected with GW Bush, and that anyone from Texas supports everything he did and still loves him like their own family to this day.

Since Texas is known for having a lot of pick-up truck drivers, people assume that almost everyone in Texas drives one, and they are all big-head bubbas.

People think that because one of the most popular slogans associated with the state is "Everything is bigger in Texas", we have huge egos and think down upon others.

People like dgliango up there make a false assumption that because Texas technically left a loophole in their Texas Board of Education laws, that means that evil schools everywhere immediately began teaching creationism.

Quagmire up there thinks that he is really smart when it comes to talking about oil and gas. People like him hear about Crooked Exxon Mobil's RECORD PROFITS, how drilling destroys the environment, the United States' dependence on foreign resources, etc etc etc., and because Texas is known for it's prolific oil and gas production, people like him correlate the state with all of the negative connotations that are shoved deep inside of his head.
By the way quagmire, depending on what state you live in, I don't necessarily need your permission to develop your minerals. And no, all leases in Texas that are currently held by production would not become property of the United States. They would be property of the companies that own the rights. Since a lot of the oil coming from Texas (West Texas Intermediate) already gets refined on the Gulf Coast, we would only need to re-route some of the WTI that is currently being refined in the midwest to Texas. That would sustain us easily. And Texas already produces too much natural gas as it is.
And the fact that it was "discovered by Americans" has no bearing on the 'ownership' of it if any of this were to happen.

I hope those were sufficient enough explanations for you.

[Comet]

I've only been to Houston and it's close surroundings..

they were friendly people.. friendliest than in most parts of the US I've been to

except for that one guy at the Subways.. he asked me (and he was serious) if I lived in an Igloo....

[NewSong]

Yeah, Texas really sucks.