[Buug959]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

“I am so sorry Bob. I’m riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife for many weeks now. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again”

The heartbroken man, enraged, went into his bedroom, grabbed his wife and threw her out the back door.

Then he locked the door.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

“Damn, autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”

[Buug959]

A guy was in a bar drinking beer. He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, keep it inside, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times.
Finally, the bartender asks, “After you finish a beer, why do you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife?”
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”

[Esteban]

One day a guy was driving down the road and he came to a farmhouse.

The man went up and knocked on the door.

The farmer answered and said “howdy. Can I help you?”

The man replied “yes sir. I noticed you have some honeysuckle in your backyard.”

Farmer said “yes son, I do.”

The man asked "do you mind if I get a couple pails of honey?”

The farmer just laughed and said “you can’t get honey from honey suckle.

“Let me try!” Said the man.

Two hours later the man came walking up with 2 pails of Honey.

The farmer asked “how’d you do that??”

“Ahhh. It’s a secret!” Exclaimed the man

Two weeks later, another knock on the door.

The farmer answered and said “howdy. Can I help you?”

The man replied "yes sir. I noticed you have some milkweed in your backyard.”

Farmer said “yes son, I do.”

The man asked "do you mind if I get a couple pails of milk?”

The farmer just laughed and said “you can’t get milk from milkweed.

“Let me try!” Said the man.

Two hours later the man came walking up with 2 pails of Milk.

The farmer asked “how’d you do that??”

“Ahhh. It’s a secret!” Exclaimed the man.

Two weeks later, same guy comes knocking on the door.

Farmer answered and said “you again, what now?”

The man stated “I notice you got some pussy willow in your backyard.”

Farmer said “hold on. I’m getting my hat and coming with ya!!”

[BMWGUYinCO]

From midnight on tonight, I'm only watching movies and streaming content in 4K.

That's my New Year's resolution.

[M5Rick]

^ I've finished with New Year's resolutions, every time I make one I forget in a short while what the resolution was.

[bigrum]

Have you ever ripped a fart while on a work Zoom and have that terrifying moment before you double check whether or not you were on mute?

[Esteban]

Oldie:

What’s the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[Buug959]

A deer had a bar.

One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons “Who broke the window!?”

A hare responded, “I kinda did…”

The deer asked “What do you mean by “kinda”?”

The hare says: “Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out of the window”.

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked: “Who broke the window!?”

A squirrel responded, “I kinda did…”


The deer asked “What do you mean by “kinda”?”

The squirrel said: “Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn’t toilet paper and threw me right out of the window”.

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up – the fixtures smashed, the toilet was broken and bloodied, the window was broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked,

“Who did all this!?”

The hedgehog replied “I kinda did…”

[Buug959]

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, the pretty girl said,

“I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”


“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk.

“That’s fine,” said the girl.

“I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled,

“Grandpa will pay the bill.”

[Pauly Wauly]

I asked my wife why she married me. She said "Because you are funny."
I said "I thought it was because I was good in bed."
She said "See? You`re hilarious!"

[Esteban]

What do you call a man that drinks?
addicted

What do you call a man that does drugs?
addicted

What do you call a man that is on his phone all the time?
addicted

What do you call a man that is always eating?
addicted

What hit you in the face last night?
addicted

[M5Rick]

I tried an EV the other day but the experience wasn't very electrifying.

[M5Rick]

As the Titanic was sinking after hitting an iceberg the captain was found slumped asleep over the steering wheel with the ship speed handle at Full Speed. When woken up he asked ''Are we there yet?''

[iX nOOky]

A Mercedes Benz owner went to the doctor. Before he told the doc what was wrong, he asked the doc to promise not to laugh. The doctor said, "I am a professional, I never laugh at my patient's problems. What is the issue?" The MB owner unbuckled his pants, whipped out his phallus, and showed it to the doctor. It was about the size of a peanut. The good doctor could not help but laugh uproariously, and when he finally settled down and became serious again he said "I am so sorry, what exactly is wrong with it? The MB owner said "it's swollen".

[Esteban]

A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.

"I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today."

"Oh my god!" replied Mary. "What happened?!"

"He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout" said the worker, sadly.

"That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?" Asked Mary.

"I'm afraid not," the worker replied. "He got out twice to take a piss."