[3.0L]

I called my dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watch dogs.

[dumptruck]

Do you know the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead attorney in the middle of the road?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

[JeffL0]

My buddy took his 8 year-old daughter to the office for "take your daughter to work day."

When they walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, he asked her what was wrong and she said, "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with."

[dumptruck]

Originally Posted by JeffL0

My buddy took his 8 year-old daughter to the office for "take your daughter to work day."

When they walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round, he asked her what was wrong and she said, "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you work with."

I did this once; we saw a woman my mom worked with at the mall. I said, "she doesn't seem as mean as you say she is." My dad busted out laughing.

[3.0L]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

Mommy, the little girl asks, how old are you?

Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, the mother replied. It's not polite.

OK' the little girl says, How much do you weigh?

Now really, the mother says, those are personal questions and are really none of your business.

Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?

That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

My Mom won't tell me anything about her, the little girl says to her friend.

Well, says the friend, all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, I know how old you are. You are 32.

The mother is surprised and asks, How did you find that out?

I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. How in Heaven's name did you find that out?

And, the little girl says triumphantly I know why you and daddy got a divorce.

Oh really? the mother asks. Why?

Because you got an F in sex.

[M5Rick]

What's so great about bus ticket inspectors?
i don't know but you've really got to hand it to them.

[thebmw]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ With a big smile, the woman replies, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

[Buug959]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched up his gun belt, and said, “I do… Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is almost dead!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water, and soon he was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe!” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy says, “Nothin’, but you left your Injun runnin’!”

[3.0L]

A man had two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
“I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her butt crack, so out of generosity I pulled it out for her. But she turned around and punched me in the eye.”
Boss: “Okay, so where did you get the other shiner?”
“Well, I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”

[Buug959]

A cop stopped by at my farm yesterday and said he wanted to inspect the property for the illegal growing of "herbs".

I said, "Ok, just don't go in the pasture behind the shed."

The cop verbally exploded, saying " I have a search warrant and have the power to go anywhere on your property I want."

Reaching into his back pocket, the arrogant officer retrieved his badge and proceeded to shove it in my face. "See this badge? It means I can go on any land, anywhere on any property. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

I nodded politely and went about my business.

A short time later I heard loud yelling, looked up and saw the cop being chased by my bull and running for his life. With every step the bull was gaining ground and the cop was very obviously terrified. It was evident that if I didn't intervene something very serious was about to happen! So I dropped what I was doing and ran to the fence and yelled, "YOUR BADGE, SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!!"
What else should I have done?

[3.0L]

I’ve never seen a dime from daylight savings.

[Llarry]

For the men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" The answer is that many women are against marriage because they realize that it's not worth buying a whole pig just to get a little sausage.

[DocL]

What do you call it when a flock of lambs fall off a cliff?

A Lambslide.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by DocL

What do you call it when a flock of lambs fall off a cliff?

A Lambslide.

...and a baaaaaaaaaaaaad day.....

[Esteban]

A pig walks into a bar and orders ten drinks. After he drinks them all, the bartender says “don’t you need to know where the bathroom is?” The pig says “no, I go wee wee wee all the way home.”

[Esteban]

A bear walked into a bar. He walked up to the bartender and said, “I’ll have a beer …………………… and some peanuts.” The bartender answered, “sure, but why the big pause?”

[Buug959]

BEST DIVORCE LETTERS EVER

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[gjm120]

Originally Posted by Buug959

BEST DIVORCE LETTERS EVER

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. … Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me any more; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me any more; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

Popped into my head when I read this

[JeffL0]

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I can't have Sharpies in the house any more.

[Esteban]

A cat walks into a bar and orders a glass of water. The bartender asks “are you going to drink it, or just knock it over on purpose again?”

[Llarry]

WANTED: Someone to brush their teeth with me, since nine out of ten dentists say brushing alone won't prevent tooth decay. No weirdos.

[dumptruck]

Old soviet joke: everyday, a man came to the newspaper stand, read the headlines, put the paper down and left. After months of this, the paper seller asked the man what he was doing. “Checking for an obituary,” the man said. “The obituaries are in the back,” says the seller. “Not the one I’m looking for.”