[macadamia9]

One last comment about what I was talking about with my ex-girlfriend, probably best female friend, Beth. She loves chaos. Without chaos in her life, she's miserable and will make everyone else miserable until she finds the chaos she needs to calm her down. She is always on the go; finishes everything at the last minute; never has time for anything but her and what she needs to do... It is exhausting! I endured three years of this every day while living with her. She is still exactly like this, but I do not have to live with her, so she can have all the drama and chaos she wants.

My relationship with her was the hardest to end because of how much I love her and her kids and how compatible we were other than what I described above. We just know that we cannot live together.

[itrocks4u]

My wife complains about my driving every now and then. Often it gets intense because when I'm about to legally overtake a car, her reaction can leave me double minded and thats not good. I had to make this clear to her. I'm not going to leave her because of this.

Use this as an opportunity to go for a vacation to Palm Springs and do BMW M school two day course. Tell her you want to learn proper driving techniques. Then fix your driving as well. Often we do not like criticism.

[D_o_S]

Thank you all for your inputs.

I have discussed with her before - on several occasions. And I am not one to "give up" on people. As I said, I let her drive "once" (I did not know what more I could do, and it seemed wise to have a "demonstration" of how to drive, in order to learn and understand better), and gained from that experience.

She never mentioned that she would feel scared (but has been tense non-verbally, i.e. silent)... rather, that she feels uncomfortable.

All in all, I do not think communication would be our trouble - or perhaps, communication on two levels:
- drive differently - we can talk about this, I can gather from it, adjust, etc.
- "communicate about communicating" - I do not know if it's wise to even go there? I mean, if she says:
--- "I wonder how this sat nav chooses its route" - should I say "Which route shall I take" or "Well, this is the fastest route"
--- "You're taking us all around the city" - should I say "I'll choose the more direct route next time"
--- "This way is rather twisty" - I'll take the straight route next time...

ETC.?

I do however think that after all of our drives, when the opportunity arises next time, I will tell her I don't feel that she trusts me behind the wheel, and that I feel that it's in her head?

Any further input welcome...

Thank you!

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by macadamia9

One last comment about what I was talking about with my ex-girlfriend, probably best female friend, Beth. She loves chaos. Without chaos in her life, she's miserable and will make everyone else miserable until she finds the chaos she needs to calm her down. She is always on the go; finishes everything at the last minute; never has time for anything but her and what she needs to do... It is exhausting! I endured three years of this every day while living with her. She is still exactly like this, but I do not have to live with her, so she can have all the drama and chaos she wants.

My relationship with her was the hardest to end because of how much I love her and her kids and how compatible we were other than what I described above. We just know that we cannot live together.

sounds exactly like my mrs but I have 3 kids under 10 so have developed a thick skin to cope for the sake of kids who I love feed clothe drop off etc majority of the time(for the past 10 years). Her mom is exactly the same to her dad. Think she knows no different as that's the only model she knows and grew up with whereas my mom and dad were lovely to each other so it was very difficult for me that she turned into someone I didn't recognise soon after marriage(which was her idea).

to OP this is unjustified criticism if only limited to driving get a taxi each time but perhaps her mom did the same to her dad snd she considers this Normal behaviour that should you criticize it would make you ungentlemanly.

[Cajun1]

I think I see red flags here.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by Cajun1

I think I see red flags here.

More like a black flag.....

[rebekahb]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Thank you all for your inputs.

I have discussed with her before - on several occasions. And I am not one to "give up" on people. As I said, I let her drive "once" (I did not know what more I could do, and it seemed wise to have a "demonstration" of how to drive, in order to learn and understand better), and gained from that experience.

She never mentioned that she would feel scared (but has been tense non-verbally, i.e. silent)... rather, that she feels uncomfortable.

All in all, I do not think communication would be our trouble - or perhaps, communication on two levels:
- drive differently - we can talk about this, I can gather from it, adjust, etc.
- "communicate about communicating" - I do not know if it's wise to even go there? I mean, if she says:
--- "I wonder how this sat nav chooses its route" - should I say "Which route shall I take" or "Well, this is the fastest route"
--- "You're taking us all around the city" - should I say "I'll choose the more direct route next time"
--- "This way is rather twisty" - I'll take the straight route next time...

ETC.?

I do however think that after all of our drives, when the opportunity arises next time, I will tell her I don't feel that she trusts me behind the wheel, and that I feel that it's in her head?

Any further input welcome...

Thank you!

I don't like this approach. Basically, this is you caving into everything that she wants that will make her happy. It should be a compromise. Also, I believe it's something more than the driving she's aggravated with but she's using that as a protected route to nag at you. I say this from a woman's perspective and I know when I'm pissed about something and haven't told my husband I'm more likely to nit pick. I'm also a pretty aggressive driver at times and he's more laid back so there are times when I wish he would drive like he's going somewhere but I just take a deep breath and look out the window. Some things just aren't worth the battle.

[2000cs]

I have a bit of the reverse. My wife doesn’t complain about my driving and I try not to complain about hers, but it has gotten to the point where I just do the driving. She is a good, safe driver but with a different style and less attention to the road and traffic than I have and prefer, so I’m an anxious passenger. I’ve tried to recognize that she has a very good driving record and get more comfortable in the passenger seat, because it really is me and not her, but I’m not doing very well at that.

I always try to make my passengers comfortable, and I drive very differently when there is no one else in the car.

I don’t have any advice; that is just my experience.

[Alfisti]

Maybe she doesn't like your driving, maybe she is subconsciously testing you as someone else mentioned, as in looking to see if you take her on or submit. Cannot really answer this unless i see how you drive :LOL:

My missus is an appalling driver, just appalling. her eyesight is terrible and she is very reactive. best i can describe it is she drives like a squirrel or a bird, short, sharp inputs, hard on the gas, hard on the brakes, nervous around corners, reactive, no forward planning, it's white knuckle stuff. We are at 5 accidents that her fault and counting.....

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Thank you all for your inputs.

I have discussed with her before - on several occasions. And I am not one to "give up" on people. As I said, I let her drive "once" (I did not know what more I could do, and it seemed wise to have a "demonstration" of how to drive, in order to learn and understand better), and gained from that experience.

She never mentioned that she would feel scared (but has been tense non-verbally, i.e. silent)... rather, that she feels uncomfortable.

All in all, I do not think communication would be our trouble - or perhaps, communication on two levels:
- drive differently - we can talk about this, I can gather from it, adjust, etc.
- "communicate about communicating" - I do not know if it's wise to even go there? I mean, if she says:
--- "I wonder how this sat nav chooses its route" - should I say "Which route shall I take" or "Well, this is the fastest route"
--- "You're taking us all around the city" - should I say "I'll choose the more direct route next time"
--- "This way is rather twisty" - I'll take the straight route next time...

ETC.?

I do however think that after all of our drives, when the opportunity arises next time, I will tell her I don't feel that she trusts me behind the wheel, and that I feel that it's in her head?

Any further input welcome...

Thank you!

Firstly, what's her girlfriends number? Just making sure you're paying attention. If you don't know her number, find out what it is. Stat. This will solve multiple problems and perhaps engage the proverbial light bulb over her head.

Second, you're a man. Be a man. You drive how you drive. I may not like how someone drives that I'm riding with, but I don't give them shit about it...unless they get us into a wreck. If she doesn't like your driving, she should refrain from further driving adventures with you and hand over her friends number willingly or she could call one of those public transportation services (the ones that take the elderly or anyone else unable to drive to the grocery store) and have them chauffer her around instead...but make sure you get the friends number first.

Third, since you are a man and you stand your ground, even over simple matters; because this is what we as men do - she then realizes that her nagging will yield an empty passenger seat in your car, but not for long as her friend is going to be filling it soon.

Seems like there might a message in there somewhere, but I don't know.

[Turkish Pickle]

Do what I did with my girlfriend: go on a VERY spirited drive on any twisty roads you can. The "oh you drive like I do haha" that came after my disclaimer of "I drive fast just fyi" changes REAL FAST to "OMG STOP DONT- NOOOOO" when you're on a mountain letting the back end slip

My mom really does not like how I drive. A "heated discussion" later and she took back the words she said after I got my license "oh nice I have a free driver now". If we're together, she drives and that's that. Doing that might help where you tell her look if you hate how I drive, why don't you drive or just shut up. Be upfront, and honest.

But yes, the friend. She hot and/or single?

[Addbuyer]

I took the mother-in-law on holiday with us, my stupid fault, I thought it would please my wife. I had to endure a 7 hour drive with both of them screaming in my ears. The only time it stopped was when I got the mother-in-law down off of the roof rack

[UncleWede]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

and that I feel that it's in her head?

And then be sure to follow up with "Calm down"

Sorry, my wife just turns on her iPad with whatever movies she has downloaded, then sits back. She often tells people she just let Speedy take over and then she's there. *I* take that as a supreme compliment

[Gray_Panther]

Originally Posted by Addbuyer

I took the mother-in-law on holiday with us, my stupid fault, I thought it would please my wife. I had to endure a 7 hour drive with both of them screaming in my ears. The only time it stopped was when I got the mother-in-law down off of the roof rack

Gold!

[F32Fleet]

It's a control issue. A lot of people have problems with it.

I for the most part will only drive if it's on the highway. Around town or a country drive to the mountains I do not drive because No 1 I don't want to hear it, No 2 She gets car sick. We have completely different driving styles. She's much more aggressive and prefers taking city streets. I drive fast but not aggressive and I prefer urban highways over city streets.

It has been this way for over 15 years. :

[KRS_SN]

Originally Posted by Addbuyer

I took the mother-in-law on holiday with us, my stupid fault, I thought it would please my wife. I had to endure a 7 hour drive with both of them screaming in my ears. The only time it stopped was when I got the mother-in-law down off of the roof rack

before marriage I went on a road trip with inlaws in their car and girlfriend and the journey was mostly wife n MIL screaming at FIL about his driving. This is a red flag. Wish I had known this 13 years ago.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by D_o_S

Hi guys (and gals),

looking for a little relationship advice... bear in mind, I am not the most experienced in relationships, so if this sounds noobish... forgive me.

I have been close with a woman, let's call her Jane, for over a year... we message each other "daily", spend weekends and evenings together, go on holidays together... but it's a little complicated...

There is one topic in general that seems to trigger endless complaints - my driving. It must be mentioned that the first time she saw me drive has probably left its mark: it was a massive downpour, at 23:00 at night, and we had an hour and a half ahead of us...

And I drove carefully, yes, but clearly (and as she confessed recently) to her, it seemed to be "on the limit". She said nothing at the time... but since, on shorter drives, she has complained about "braking too hard", "following cars infront too close" (I don't tailgate, but when we're in a traffic jam or at "walking speeds", I do hold a 3, 4 meter gap, usually not more), "driving too slow in parking lots", "taking turns too aggressively", etc.

To try to aid things, I let her drive for a bit... and I gathered some experience in that she brakes much earlier and ever so softly. So, I started to do this too, I accelerate gently, etc. She has claimed that it's a marked improvement!

BUT! Two things have happened:

- I took her on a trip with a friend of hers, and I could sense she was nervous. She said I was driving like so and so, but... her friend joined us for a part of the journey (4 hour drive). At the end of the journey, her friend said "what a wonderful driver I am"... and lo and behold, Jane said that ever since we picked up her friend, I had been driving "better"
---- my drawn conclusion: I drove the same. But she took her mind and worry off things, and concentrated on her discussion with her friend...

- We recently had to get to an appointment reasonably on time. Since we're in a COVID country, it could be expected that traffic will not be bad. But even so, I launched WAZE and drove according to WAZE... and a few times during the journey, I heard:
---- "I wonder how this navigation algorithm works"
---- "You're taking us all around the city, clearly"
---- "It's quite twisty here"
---- "I would have just checked the main roads on Google and went my own way"
etc... From my point of view, WAZE did choose an optimal route, that avoided several traffic lights at intersections, and we got where we needed to be on time.

On the way back, since we weren't necessarily pressed for time, I let her "choose" the way... and all in all, we a) ran in to a "construction site", b) the road was marginally less twisty, c) we "made it on time"...

In general, I am a calm person, and I don't really press onto people close to me to "push my opinion through". So, all in all, I didn't directly comment on her "complaints", or if I did, I tried to do so in a sarcastic, funny way (i.e. "Oh, I want you to see the beauty of the city" , etc.)

To me, this is a relationship topic that keeps recurring, and I would like to sort it out. From my point of view:
- I have accommodated my driving style to suit her perceptions (there may be a little improvement left here, but nothing too big, I assume)
- She is probably carrying the "first negative first experience" with her
=== All in all, to me, it seems like this is more in her mind than in my driving

I have the sort of feeling that whatever I do, however I drive, it will always be wrong unless she is physically in control of the car.
- If I take the "objectively" fastest route... well, we've seen that, it's too twisty etc. (with no comment on how it avoids traffic, lights, etc.)
- If I take the "preferred" route, and arrive late - well, we're late, I would have gone that way... etc.
- If I choose the shorter lane of traffic and then get stuck... well who's to blame... etc etc etc

Yes, I am a spirited driver, and yes, I am first to look at myself... but, based on my description:
- what do you think?
- what should I do?

In terms of what to do, I don't want to be ignorant to her, but I have decided - based on all this that I have experienced - to be playful and lighthearted about her complaints. Not to demean or make fun of her, but to show her I do feel what she's saying to a certain extent, and that "everything will be alright".

HELP PLEASE! Thanks

Last summer we were at our summer house. Hubby was reading the papers, me and the kids were trying to rebuild a motorcycle from the 60's. We couldn't get it done so the kids got the paper reading engineer involved and then came the time to test drive it.

"Let mom do it, you don't know how to"

"Oh dad, this bike might make it the huge driveway of 50 meters. If mom hears you're telling your daughter not to fuck with bikes, she'll let me start racing them next week."


So basically what I'm saying is that either you're a really bad driver, or not a comforting one. My husband is a great driver but the kids never want him to drive, where as I speed, flirt with cops, do idiotic shit and break cars, and the kids are like "hmm, I wonder what we will be eating for lunch after mom changes that tyre and why is it that google thinks 500 km is a 6 hour drive?"

Not commenting on which i am.

[Lups]

Originally Posted by Addbuyer

I took the mother-in-law on holiday with us, my stupid fault, I thought it would please my wife. I had to endure a 7 hour drive with both of them screaming in my ears. The only time it stopped was when I got the mother-in-law down off of the roof rack

Winner.

[nyalpine90]

we get on each other case how we drive for fun.
but when im the copilot, i tell her when to switch lane and step on it.

when we commuted together in separate cars, we did our spirited driving.

[Smgs1992]

My now ex complained about my driving when we were started dating as while i have great vehicle control and no accidents i do tend to drive fast and aggressively and i think it scared her a bit. I have to make a conscious effort not to drive like that with her in the car and it seemed to work. However from the sounds of it youre facing a different situation if you have already tried that. I would ask her what she wants you to do or what the problem is. Atleast to get an understanding from her perspective.
Maybe she was in a bad accident at one point as i know with some passengers that is an issue

[Hawkeye]

My wife critiqued me early in the relationship until I made her start driving and critiquing her back (just stuff like what lane she should be in, if I saw something ahead she wasn't paying attention to, etc.) and since then she really doesn't comment much, and she doesn't want to drive when I am with her so it's a win win.

The thing I wouldn't do is submit to everything she complains about. I get a lot of enjoyment from driving, and if it ever became stressful or annoying for me, that would be a dealbreaker.

[JasonDot]

It's a pretty safe assumption the driving critiques have little to do with you. A few questions...

Is she over the age of 22?
Did she grow up in a household of survival or love?
Does her persistent critiques only exist when it comes to your driving? Any other arenas whether its you or someone else?

If I were in your seat, I'd study her body language in the car too. As the questions pour on, what is her self-soothing que? Gripping hands, shifting eyes, holding the armrest, palms down, shoulders forward, etc... One easy to sense this without looking at her gestures is to feel for them, holding her hand while driving(check tension and temp), caressing her neck(check tension in neck/shoulders and posture).

These questions may seem odd but it helps map things out. Whatever the source of anxiousness, the resolve may be uphill but doable.