[zx10guy]

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

Damn dude, that sucks. Curious how old your now ex wife was when you met and when all this went down. I ask because a lot of her actions sound very familiar to my 1st wife when things went bad. The hanging out with friends, leaving me to fend for myself when I had surgery then pneumonia, me paying all the bills so she could F off and have fun. No kids and no cancer in my story (thankfully), but many parallels to yours. I always chocked it up to age and immaturity. We were early 20s at the time.

Divorce law and family law are definitely 50 years behind the times. I get the need to look out for women who traditionally make less than men and traditionally are the ones who sacrifice the career to raise the kids. But women these days are not destitute if they don't have a man, like they were in the past. They also arent shunned by society for being a single mom. At the same time, dads are perfectly equipped to be as good or even better care takers of children. Times have changed and divorce and family law needs to catch up.

Thank you.

She was mid 30's when we got married.

[King Rudi]

Excluding religion, I feel the only benefit for anyone to get married now is to start a family. Outside of that, I see no benefit. If two people can live together and honor each other, I see no point in including the state and local government, as well as the church into your relationship. If I'm done, I'm done. I don't want to pay anyone to end a relationship.

[TheWatchGuy]

Originally Posted by Tommy-G

Imagine having to write that check every month, how pissed you would be?
(I know that's not reality but imagine anyway)

if she is my level of petty, i would have a condition of it being it has to be a handwritten and signed check every month.

[rmanm4]

Originally Posted by zx10guy

Your situation is what the ideal marriage would be. So I'm happy for you and others that have this situation. But to put out the counterpoint to an ideal marriage and how things can go horribly wrong, here's what I went through.

Got married. Agreed that the wife would stay home after she gave birth to our daughter. That's where everything went downhill. I tried to help with all the baby duties but was met with verbal abuse and hostility. Everything she did was right and everything I did was wrong. She was studying for her nursing degree which I was funding 100%. She drove herself nuts studying and taking care of our daughter even though I tried to help. This led to further tension in our marriage. Eventually, she started to go hang out with her friends to the point where it was a regular weekly occurrence. She took our daughter and left our daughter with her mother to take care of when she was out clubbing. This was the start of the alienation between my daughter and myself. I got cancer for the second time during the marriage which I had to deal with by myself. She stopped going to the appointments and I had complications from the surgery which again I dealt with by myself. I kept paying the bills and even when I went out to shop for groceries, I would get things she needed. But I had to cook my own meals, do my own laundry, and do all the maintenance around the house.

Fast forward to the divorce which I initiated because I got tired of the whole situation. I wanted 50/50 custody of our daughter. The wife refused. Was advised by my lawyer that would be a long shot. Even if I tried, I would have put myself into financial ruin as the way the family laws are written, I had to pay for the wife's attorney's fees in addition to mine. So she knew she can wait me out. She ran off with a good chunk of my assets where she's been set up nice and pretty with a fully paid off car, a new career in nursing, a townhouse, and a good start with her retirement account. All courtesy of me. Yes, during the marriage my income is considered 50/50. But I can honestly say that she contributed zero to me earning that money.

BTW, the marriage on paper was only about 6 years. The only saving grace was that I only had to pay alimony for 6 months post divorce. But I did pay about a year and half of it during the separation along with child support.

Until family law changes where it doesn't give all the benefit and incentive to the woman in a divorce, I don't know why any male would consider marriage.

I am honestly truly sorry you had to go thru all that. Nobody should go thru cancer without love and support from their spouse. I just hope your daughter grows up to realize everything and understands the divorce. Last thing you want is your daughter hating you because of lies your ex-wife feeds her. Please stay close to your daughter and be the father she deserves. Im sure all this has made you a stronger person.

[erickonphoenix]

I love marriage so much I've done it three times. Strongly considering going for four.
I figure if you can't get quality, go for quantity.

[rmanm4]

Originally Posted by erickonphoenix

I love marriage so much I've done it three times. Strongly considering going for four.
I figure if you can't get quality, go for quantity.

I feel that should be a in T-shirt!!!!

[rmanm4]

Its hard finding the right girl. First you need to figure out what you want/need in a wife first. Hot/Sexy/Horny doesnt last very long and if the marriage is based on that, its doomed. You also need to make sure you are yourself with/around her. Never try to make her happy by being fake!

[XutvJet]

I agree marriage isn't for everyone. I will also add that I know lots of people that stayed single (or divorced) until their 40s, 50s, or 60s only to get married and are very happy.

I think many of the marriage issues stem from one or more of the following:

- Married too early or too young. You should know all your potential spouse's quirks and issues before diving in. This could take years of being together.

- Hopeful that the potential spouse will change their ways when married. Hint: People do not change unless they want to.

- Hopeful that having children might improve the relationship dynamics. BIG MISTAKE.

- Viewing money as "yours" and not as "ours". Specifically, being the breadwinner thus thinking your have free reign with the money because you're the one that made it and get pissed when the spouse spends it. If you can't get past this, marriage isn't for you.

- Inability to compromise. Marriage has a lot of compromise. If you're a selfish type then marriage isn't going to work for you.

- Lack of honesty with yourself, your spouse, and/or the relationship.


I dated my wife for 6 years before getting married. We've been married for 22 years now. That's 28 years together. We have two great kids too. I would be lying if I said things were always perfect. My wife went through a really bad perimenopausal spell for over 3 years that was extremely trying on the relationship, but we got through it and for the better. Research perimenopause and you'll see the havoc it can create in a relationship.

We both have had thoughts of being single, what it would be like being able to date around, and we've shared those thoughts to each other. We're honest with one another. We also both agree that certain aspects of the single life sound exciting, but in the long run, like a pain in the ass and rather lonely.

Being married has made me a genuinely better person. I like having someone to talk to, cook with, share experiences with, a partner in crime, someone to help raise the kids, etc. We also like our own alone time and time with others and neither of us get in the way of that. We don't have to be together 24/7. There is a lot of give and take, ups and downs, sleepless nights, and a lot of compromise, but it's been worth it for us.

If my wife were to pass or leave would I get married again? Maybe, maybe not. It really depends on the person and what I need. My wife feels the same way.

[ryan stewart]

Originally Posted by rmanm4

I am honestly truly sorry you had to go thru all that. Nobody should go thru cancer without love and support from their spouse. I just hope your daughter grows up to realize everything and understands the divorce. Last thing you want is your daughter hating you because of lies your ex-wife feeds her. Please stay close to your daughter and be the father she deserves. Im sure all this has made you a stronger person.

As someone who grew up as a kid in what was a pretty toxic divorce I can say that (generally):

a. kids are smarter than you think, they will eventually figure out the truth.
b. they hold a grudge when lied to.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by XutvJet

I agree marriage isn't for everyone. I will also add that I know lots of people that stayed single (or divorced) until their 40s, 50s, or 60s only to get married and are very happy.

I think many of the marriage issues stem from one or more of the following:

- Married too early or too young. You should know all your potential spouse's quirks and issues before diving in. This could take years of being together.

- Hopeful that the potential spouse will change their ways when married. Hint: People do not change unless they want to.

- Hopeful that having children might improve the relationship dynamics. BIG MISTAKE.

- Viewing money as "yours" and not as "ours". Specifically, being the breadwinner thus thinking your have free reign with the money because you're the one that made it and get pissed when the spouse spends it. If you can't get past this, marriage isn't for you.

- Inability to compromise. Marriage has a lot of compromise. If you're a selfish type then marriage isn't going to work for you.

- Lack of honesty with yourself, your spouse, and/or the relationship.


I dated my wife for 6 years before getting married. We've been married for 22 years now. That's 28 years together. We have two great kids too. I would be lying if I said things were always perfect. My wife went through a really bad perimenopausal spell for over 3 years that was extremely trying on the relationship, but we got through it and for the better. Research perimenopause and you'll see the havoc it can create in a relationship.

We both have had thoughts of being single, what it would be like being able to date around, and we've shared those thoughts to each other. We're honest with one another. We also both agree that certain aspects of the single life sound exciting, but in the long run, like a pain in the ass and rather lonely.

Being married has made me a genuinely better person. I like having someone to talk to, cook with, share experiences with, a partner in crime, someone to help raise the kids, etc. We also like our own alone time and time with others and neither of us get in the way of that. We don't have to be together 24/7. There is a lot of give and take, ups and downs, sleepless nights, and a lot of compromise, but it's been worth it for us.

If my wife were to pass or leave would I get married again? Maybe, maybe not. It really depends on the person and what I need. My wife feels the same way.

Very well said.

[unluky]

Originally Posted by ryan stewart

Youre applying a selection bias though, tons of people manage to ruin their lives without marraige. Jobs, cars, houses, drugs, knocking some chick up, getting knocked up, etc.

Im 40 and never married. Personally it holds no value to me because of a lot of the reasons you mentioned (its not required for a commitment, Im a heathen, etc). Not saying I never would, but it would be more of a gift I gave to the right woman, not something Id ever need.

But the times I have gotten close the risk to me was minimal. Most states have moved on from the old ways by now, if they do spousal support or equity distribution of assets its really just a comparison of earners and earning potential.

One advantage of not dating 20 year olds is the women Ive been with can make their own money, own their own homes, etc. The current girlfriends situation is similar. Her house is worth about as much as mine and she only owes about $50k more. I make about double than she does but, at least on paper, her net worth is more than mine because of her business. Georgia is one of those states where you show what you brought in and you can take it with you, its just the additional wealth accrued during the marriage that has to be figured out. House is easy, she could try for temporary spousal support (which is short here anyway) but then Id go for equity in the business, so likely Id just say, "You don't ask for spousal support and I wont ask for equity, deal?"

Honestly that's the most common situation among my group of friends. Most just uncoupled because they were both high earners with degrees, etc. Even those with kids just ended up with 50/50 with one person being "primary" and they end up paying something paltry like a couple of hundred bucks for child support a month. Its only going to be a war if you are really imbalanced in wealth/earning in a backwards state.

But this implied that both are fairly equal AND not vindictive. Usually you are getting a divorce due to some reason, and some of those reasons can mean someone is pissed and vindictive - and then they get lawyers involved - it can get ugly fast.

Like you - I try and assess those types of people in advance and avoid them. But we all know people who seem to gravitate to drama or can't stand being along and grab whatever walks by, etc. Like I said - most times you can point to the error they made getting married, but it happens - a lot.

I agree everyone should stand up to their responsibilities - but destroying someone's life, just because it's "legal", is scary as hell.

Choose wisely and you don't have to worry about it. I think you should look at it just like you would a business partner before you even consider it. Lay all your cards on the table - credit reports everything. If you would not trust them to manage their own money, don't get legally involved.

[zx10guy]

Originally Posted by ryan stewart

As someone who grew up as a kid in what was a pretty toxic divorce I can say that (generally):

a. kids are smarter than you think, they will eventually figure out the truth.
b. they hold a grudge when lied to.

I'm hoping this will be the case. My daughter has said things to me that I know her mother has fed to her which was infuriating to me. But I kept things civil and didn't retaliate. Other things my ex has done is to throw a birthday party for our daughter without telling me even though I invited her to the one I had put together. Because the ex's party happened before mine, I had to deal with my daughter asking me how come I didn't show up to her birthday party. A party my ex told me she had no money to put together. And a party that happened after I had weeks before asked about throwing one together for our daughter as I felt our daughter would appreciate both her parents being present.

I've been taking the high road the entire time this mess has been going on. Believe me it's been real hard. But when the time comes and my daughter asks me what happened, I don't even have to say a word. I have written documentation of how badly her mother behaved and how she proactively made things worse unnecessarily. I'll just have her read everything in black and white without me having to explain anything with any potential bias.

[tcphoto]

I grew up in a toxic home, one was an alcoholic and the other was borderline plus extremely bitter. I didn’t understand until much later how bad it really was and swore not to perpetuate the behavior. Over the years, I have thought about proposing to two women but it simply didn’t work out. The last one which I do not include in the group was my longest relationship but turned out to be quite secretive of her past and it ended badly. Perhaps everyone is not meant to find “the one”, but I’d rather be happy than to be miserably married like my parents.

[Esteban]

I grew up similarly. My dad was an alcoholic who was very violent with my mom and with me as well. When I was 15 I turned on my dad and fought back and he never touched me again. My mom died when I was 17 and there is no doubt in my mind it was because of the life he gave her. Never wanted to be like him.

Got married young at age 20 and have given my wife a good life. I drink but I'm not an alcoholic and I never get violent. In 3 days we will have been married 46 years. I am nothing like him. My wife loves me and so do my kids. This, to me is normal life. What my mom lived and what I lived as a child was a nightmare.

I believe it's different for everybody. Some are meant for marriage, some are not. It doesn't work for everyone and there is no point staying together if you are unhappy. Don't know what the statistics are but I do know that a lot of marriages fail. It's difficult, especially if you have kids but they are resilient and bounce back.

PS - I wasn't always around as a teenager but I protected my mom as much as I could.

[ryan stewart]

Originally Posted by unluky

But this implied that both are fairly equal AND not vindictive. Usually you are getting a divorce due to some reason, and some of those reasons can mean someone is pissed and vindictive - and then they get lawyers involved - it can get ugly fast.

Like you - I try and assess those types of people in advance and avoid them. But we all know people who seem to gravitate to drama or can't stand being along and grab whatever walks by, etc. Like I said - most times you can point to the error they made getting married, but it happens - a lot.

I agree everyone should stand up to their responsibilities - but destroying someone's life, just because it's "legal", is scary as hell.

Choose wisely and you don't have to worry about it. I think you should look at it just like you would a business partner before you even consider it. Lay all your cards on the table - credit reports everything. If you would not trust them to manage their own money, don't get legally involved.

Its not so easy anymore depending on state. My coworker has a vindictive ex and she tried it and, at least in Georgia, the judge wasnt having it.

Dude got a new car when he got rear-ended and she took him to court to try and get more CS thinking he got a pay increase or something and she ended up owing him $100/mo. And the judge wouldnt let anyone make any arguments unless she could show there were wages unaccounted for.

Marriage is a contract and its only smart to know the laws in your state before entering in such a contract.

[ryan stewart]

Originally Posted by zx10guy

I'm hoping this will be the case. My daughter has said things to me that I know her mother has fed to her which was infuriating to me. But I kept things civil and didn't retaliate. Other things my ex has done is to throw a birthday party for our daughter without telling me even though I invited her to the one I had put together. Because the ex's party happened before mine, I had to deal with my daughter asking me how come I didn't show up to her birthday party. A party my ex told me she had no money to put together. And a party that happened after I had weeks before asked about throwing one together for our daughter as I felt our daughter would appreciate both her parents being present.

I've been taking the high road the entire time this mess has been going on. Believe me it's been real hard. But when the time comes and my daughter asks me what happened, I don't even have to say a word. I have written documentation of how badly her mother behaved and how she proactively made things worse unnecessarily. I'll just have her read everything in black and white without me having to explain anything with any potential bias.

Just be honest, "I wasnt told you had one." Kids can handle it.

Like you already know, dont weaponize it, just let her know the truth and she can figure it out on her own.

[ragingpanda]

You’d have to be an utter FOOL to even consider marriage, nowadays. If this happens to financially powerful men, what do you think would happen to you?? Foolish men learn from their own mistakes. Wise men learn from others mistakes.

I highly doubt Dr. Dre will even be able to retire with how much he has to shell out monthly to this old hag. Hopefully he doesn't pull a Robin Williams and instead hires a hitman.

[Sassicaia]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

As a person happily married for many years I will offer another point of view:


Marriage is not for everybody. I get that. If the OP feels this way he should certainly consider not getting married.

For us, a successful marriage meant buying into the whole concept of marriage and the vows that we shared.

We agreed when we had kids that my wife would stay home with the kids until they got through school. I was lucky enough to have a career where we could afford to do that. But even though I was the "breadwinner", I never once thought of our assets as my money. Without my wife's support, I never would have finished college or grad school. Without her taking care of the home front, I never could have had the time to focus on my career and earn what I earned over the years. I was still very involved at home and with the kids, but my wife stepped up and took care of things so I could concentrate on my career.

We have had a great life and a great relationship. Our two kids are raised and through college and between them they have 6 kids (our grand kids). To me, our situation is priceless. So to answer the OP's question, I would get married nowadays in a heartbeat if I had to do it over again.


Back to the point of the $3.5 million per year that Dr. Dre's wife gets in the settlement: That's NOT his money that he is giving her. That's THEIR money that they chose to settle on as an annual payment out of their marriage assets. This notion that no pussy is worth $300k per month is not quite accurate since it was her money too according to the law.

I have no idea if Dr. Dre's career would have flourished the way that it did without his wife by his side all of these years. You'd have to ask him that. But, the $3.5 million per year is only 1/3 of one percent of his assets. To put that into perspective, if a regular guy with $500,000 in assets gets divorced, this settlement would equal only $1,750 per year to the wife. I think most guys would be very happy with such a settlement.

You're arrangement of wife staying home while man goes to work is frankly non existent today. Here is why.

1.) feminism has said that arrangement is sexist. It has shamed it.

2.) it's rare (non existent?) that in today's worship kardashian (do nothing but live like a princes lifestyle) that woman worship, to find someone willing to do the HARD work to stay home and take care of all things outside of the man's work. They act like hiring help is actually a contributor

In today's world when married to a rich man woman want to a.) stay home, not work and if there are kids hire help. b.) if there is the pressure of work or expectations to contribute they cry sexism c.) when it comes time to divorce they want to rewind time decades as if they live in the era where woman do actually contribute half and demand massive settlements.

The problem is that in today's political climate no politician would touch this topic at the risk of being called sexist.

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by ragingpanda

I highly doubt Dr. Dre will even be able to retire with how much he has to shell out monthly to this old hag.

Dr's net worth is $800M and he's handing over $3.5M per year. Even if he pays the ex off for the next 30 years and never makes another dime he's got $695M to carry him through retirement. I think Dre's gunna be just fine.

[RickFLM4]

Originally Posted by ragingpanda

You’d have to be an utter FOOL to even consider marriage, nowadays. If this happens to financially powerful men, what do you think would happen to you?? Foolish men learn from their own mistakes. Wise men learn from others mistakes.

I highly doubt Dr. Dre will even be able to retire with how much he has to shell out monthly to this old hag. Hopefully he doesn't pull a Robin Williams and instead hires a hitman.

Is there a woman bugging you for a ring or something?

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Sassicaia

You're arrangement of wife staying home while man goes to work is frankly non existent today. Here is why.

1.) feminism has said that arrangement is sexist. It has shamed it.

2.) it's rare (non existent?) that in today's worship kardashian (do nothing but live like a princes lifestyle) that woman worship, to find someone willing to do the HARD work to stay home and take care of all things outside of the man's work. They act like hiring help is actually a contributor

In today's world when married to a rich man woman want to a.) stay home, not work and if there are kids hire help. b.) if there is the pressure of work or expectations to contribute they cry sexism c.) when it comes time to divorce they want to rewind time decades as if they live in the era where woman do actually contribute half and demand massive settlements.

The problem is that in today's political climate no politician would touch this topic at the risk of being called sexist.

I cannot argue with your points. It is a different time. Could we have done it in today's climate? Who knows. At the time, my wife and I choose to be a team. We dated for 5 years before getting married. And the biggest shocker of all, we didn't move in together before we got married! When we got engaged, we both worked hard and saved money with the goal of never having money be a source of argument. After we got married, my wife made more than I did as a college grad for 3 or 4 years before we had kids. Together, we made a choice to forgo her income. Neither of us thought of it as a sexist thing, and frankly, if there had been pressure from friends or society in general, we would have gladly ignored it. We were flying high at the time and pretty much set our own pace. We just wanted to raise our kids with a parent home.

After our second kid was off to college, my wife resumed her career and made a great living for several years. What we did takes communication, teamwork, and a lot of luck.

[Mirrari]

Originally Posted by ragingpanda

You’d have to be an utter FOOL to even consider marriage, nowadays. If this happens to financially powerful men, what do you think would happen to you?? Foolish men learn from their own mistakes. Wise men learn from others mistakes.

I’ve seen too much BS happen to people around me because of the courts to ever consider it. The rich can absorb the hit and still be ok, even if the ex is vindictive. Regular people just get ruined. One of my good friends got the cops called multiple times in him as a divorce tool. House, car, full custody, ridiculous child support payment, she got it all. Later she decided she wasn’t satisfied and started emailing the company he worked for. They canned him because they feared bad PR. He had one hell of a time trying to find half-decent job afterwards.