[iatacs19]

Joke

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.

[iatacs19]

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

[iatacs19]

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited

[Dleo]

What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball??

JUAN ON JUAN

[iatacs19]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[iatacs19]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here".

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and wont move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here".

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when that land to arrest this blonde woman who wont listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde".

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy .

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without and fuss.

"I told her, 'First class isn't going to Toronto' ".

[iatacs19]

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Sharon. Aunt Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the fuck away from Aunt Sharon when she's been drinking.'

[iatacs19]

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?

[iatacs19]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You fucking lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

[Last E92 M3]

omg this is funny hahaha

[bwilly]

That last one is pretty good !

[nmulax]

hahaha, those were good.

[SoYank]

Little Mark's sister works in a pharmacy.

[iatacs19]

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.

The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."

The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."

The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

[iatacs19]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

[iatacs19]

Why Men Rule.

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

2. You know stuff about rifles, tanks, motorcycles, and airplanes.

3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

4. You can open your own jars.

5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.

9. You can kill your own food.

10. You get extra credit for the slightest of thoughtfulness.

11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

14. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

15. Everything on your face stays its original color.

16. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

17. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

18. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

19. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

20. Same work...more pay.

21. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

22. Wedding dress: $2000. Tuxedo rental: $75

23. You don't mooch off others desserts.

24. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

25. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might just become lifelong friends.

26. Your pals can be trusted to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"

27. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

28. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

30. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

31. You don't have to shave below your neck.

32. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

33. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

34. You can "do" your nails with a buck knife.

35. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

36. All your Christmas shopping in 45 minutes on December 24th.

Of course, women do have one thing over us: They have tits. Hell, if I had tits, I'd never leave the house.

[iatacs19]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[iatacs19]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Kensta335]

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat.
The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with
him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets
off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie,
"I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him
that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery
and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark
paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to
have sex with you."

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to
the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure
enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out
from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I
will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me."
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity
because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and
has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and
shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

[Kensta335]

A blonde girl came home from college one day and told her mother
that a boy had paid her a dollar to climb up a ladder and get
his ball from off the roof.
"You silly girl," her mother said, "he just wanted you to climb the
ladder so he could look up your skirt and see your undies."
The next day the same little girl came home from college and told her
mother that the same boy gave her a dollar again to climb a ladder
and get his ball off the roof.
Just before her mother could admonish her
for being silly, the little girl said, "No mum, this time I tricked him.

I wasn't wearing any undies!"

[Kensta335]

A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".

About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter, so he sat down and wrote

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love Peter.

Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum x

[Kensta335]

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn't having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed on, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

She turned to him and said, in the voice she knew he must obey, "Jervis, I want you to take off my dress." This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair. "Jervis," she continued, "now take off my stockings and garter belt." Again, Jervis silently obeyed. "Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties." Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them. She looked sternly at him and said, "Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you're fired!"